The GNARSHIRE

Rent a longboard from a local surf shop; ask them to match a board to your body size and experience level. More than likely, you can rent by the hour, half-day or day. If you're serious about learning, consider negotiating for a full week--a series of back-to-back days in the water is the best way to learn to surf.

Determine whether or not you're goofy! Left foot forward on the board is considered a regular stance; right foot forward is goofy--really: it's called goofy foot. Once you decide, and assuming you're already at the beach, strap the leash snugly onto your back ankle.

Carry the board out to the calm water near shore--away from any breaking waves--lie down, and begin to practice paddling around. Adjust your weight forward and backward until you're well-balanced and able to glide through the water with the least amount of effort.

Paddle your surfboard out to where the waves are rolling toward shore in rows of foamy white water--after they've already broken. Think: nice, easy, rolling foam; not barreling waves! Once you're out there--if there's a sandy bottom--you can stand next to your board to get turned around. Otherwise, paddle into position so that you're facing shore and perpendicular to those foamy rows of water.

Paddle like mad when you see a foamy wave approaching. Make sure you're perpendicular to the wave, and with your weight centered--not too far forward or back. You'll get a hang for it with practice and a few tumbles!

Keep paddling as the waves reach you, and do not stop until you're sure it's carrying you along with it to shore. Stay flat and enjoy the ride--you're surfing! OK, well, almost. Ride several in on your stomach until you have a good feel for when and how the wave grabs you.

Stand up once you've learned to catch the wave lying down. Pop up as soon as the wave starts to carry your surfboard. Basically, begin a push-up and jump to your feet as smoothly and quickly as possible. It becomes harder the longer you wait--as your stability goes down with your speed.