The GNARSHIRE

I am selling an Alaia stand up paddle board (SUP). I believe it is the first of it's kind! I have combined the two most buzzed about genres in surfing today! SUP's have taken a lot of flack recently for their over the top absurdity and ability to catch any hint of a wave, making them the perfect choice for weekend warriors and an easy target for soul bros. The alaia has been taking flack recently for their over the top absurdity and inability to catch anything, making them the perfect choice for soul bros and an easy target for weekend warriors. The conflict is now over! I, Ronaldo, have given you the best (meaning the worst) of both worlds with (patent pending) Alaia SUP! Look for them in the lineup at Rincon and Leadbetter any day now!!! The dims are: 10' X 29" X 31" X 29" X 2.36874"

PS- Bonus alaia style paddle also included!!! No excuses!!

PRICE IS NEGOTIABLE!! MAKE AN OFFER!!!!

Ronaldo (the velvet planer) Ronaldinho

Waaazzz is happening, y'all?!? Ronaldo is being back here for another installment of Ronaldo's Shape Shack.

Before we begin Ronaldo wants to talk about peer pressure. Since becoming involved with Gnarshire blogspotting, I never have contact with blogusfear world. Strange things happen. Sometimes you are looking at sick pics on someones blog and you want to be there or be like them - cool bro! I never have that before, always people wanting to be Ronaldo. This is before I start seeing dude with twin fin funboard shape and black shiny wetsuit and surf cap. He looks so more core than me! In my mind only, I know, it's crazy! But he look like hey guy, I'm so core, I get barrels all day in sun......

So now Ronaldo says, Ronaldo is going to make this board and wear cap and not wear wetsuit, because I have too much muscles for to hide, and be core too. I hear about AB3 / Fishing Fry and how core bros go there. Perfect for Ronaldo because that band was Sweedish and I'm Dutch and I love seafood!! Esteban tells me to bring boards for contest. Ronaldo always win contest, so more perfect... is there such thing... more perfect? Anyway... makes head hurt... I go! I bring boards and I win!!!! I win contest from core bros I want to be like!! But not all is perfect. I guess it is not so cool to wear surf cap in Oceanside, only in Blakies. I see some people point and laugh even thought I match my surf suit. I learn important lesson that day. Peer pressure is only good if dork wants to be like Ronaldo and you make them make bad decisions. Not cool if you become dork... Here's pics!!!

Before I show core bros how to shred.

Hey you all, Ronaldo back into the house!
Sorry for the lack of posting stoke, I was being in New Smyrna, FL for spring break '09. Tons of hotties and girls, too! I get to ride in truck bigger than Esteban's and drink beer as racing down the beach with buckets of chicken and girls. Girls not in buckets, but still lots of cool. Surf was not so magnificent. In fact, the surf was sucking big time. I hear from the lokes that surf never comes to the beaches there. This gets Ronaldo to thinking...

First - Girls should come in buckets. How rad for you to go to place (maybe wearing house or even dine thru) and just get chicks in buckets? Don't try to steal Ronaldo's idea. I already pay Dimitri to be parent of idea then copy it right. I'll sue you're pants off! LOL. Serious, though.

Second - Hillbilly surfers there need craft for being drunk and full of chicken to ride small waves.

Then Ronaldo has it! I spent 2 months in devotion and apprenticeship to George Greenough in Australia. Well, he never answer door so I spent it in devotion in his front yard. One time, though, I see him walk by with blow up surf board. Later that day I find from hip dude that it is called surf mat. When George get home I punch him in head and take it. Learning over! I send to China and copy it better than old man George. I just add handles for sipping and surfing and make good graphics - snap! I now have craft for East Coast bros! See beneath:

What's up, shredders? Ronaldo is inside the room! Today I am talking about intelligent details on my octa-hull shredder stick. It has eight different planing hulls, controlled flex and twist, sick air brush (making go X2.34 faster) , and directional sand finish.

How does eight planning hulls make better than one or three, you might be asking Ronaldo. Because there are more. Have you ever gone to sushi with attractive girl of poverty and they eat a lot and barfing it up later? That is because the taste is so new and good to them. Everyone always wants more of good things. That's why bros drink until they throw up, see? Never too much of good thing.

Octa-hulls is like one planning hull over and over until you puke. Good news, right? Here is diaphragm:

They cost (US dollars) 1596 and take between 58-76 weeks for production completion.

Here is video of British bro ripping octa-hull. Note the disturbance made by utilizing inside arm as trailer fin. Standing is optional for shredding.

Hey Bro's, I'm back now for part 2 of my ongoing shape column!! Don't being too stoked on my secrets getting out... yet! So.... for my second article I'm going to explain my Whale Tail model.

I have found greatness in the shape for the following reasonings:
1.) Having the raddest name ever.
2.) Super forgiving.

I know point one is non-false statement because I speak very intellectual English and I have never heard a better surfboard name. Every straight man likes to see G-string cresting ridge of ass and over pants - this being called whale tail!!! This board also has very wide tail, so name is double ironic in nature.

Point two is true because, though I am not ominous, I do understand all facts of women. The fat women with big whale tail are very forgiving. They are just happy to have man for them. Same for surfboard. The big tail says, "Hey, I am so buoyant that I am just happy for to have a shredder standing on me!" Then, you see, the board won't buck you like skinny narrow board. This allows for dynamic lift and polarized projections. It's like having two angry magnets - see? You call both ways too- dynamic projection and polarized lift - meaning same things. Sometimes shredders get confused on my scientific mutterings so I like to explain.

Now you see that the Whale Tail model is superior in many ways to JC, Merrick, Hobie or Cooperfish boards. Below are more evidence...

My bro, Hans, massive shredder and total Regulator (even though shrimpy) , holding the Whale Tail that won him the Naujac Surf Classic. Below is the footage of his winning wave.




Talk about Shred!!

The Gnarshire is proud to announce a new weekly column by shaping legend Ronaldo Bottasooka! He will be unveiling new designs, reviewing the more familiar and going back to basics, for those new to the sport. Thanks Ronaldo!

Hello noobs, my name is Ronaldo and I shape surfboard better than the kook making your board for now. I say for now because you will now be riding my boards. I won't force you to (though I could, easily) ride them.... you will want to.... on your own violation.

Let me give a little background on to you why I am so confident in my shaping and surfing skills. I started to surf at the soft age of 16 (six years after losing my virginity, if you were wondering) in my native country, The Netherlands. I conquered many sick peaks there before claiming the national surfing title at the hardening age of 18. After that victory, I go on to shape my own boards and the boards of the rippers around my home break of Doooslefriekjvjkiverzg, or frievvkeschevjky, for nicking name. At this time, as well, I began to get fit and regulate the beaches. Then I got bored and moved to Gnarshire where I see too many Jesus likers making insufficient boards and nobody regulating the beaches. I move here and now I make the very best boards and regulate the shire, always.

For this, our first column, I will give you a movie show of me riding a sick wave while on holiday (paid for by a girl with two D breasts and g-string suit) in Barcelona. As I am confident that you will notice, I slowed the clip down quite a bit. I surf so fast (but have sex for much longer!) that it is almost un-disreputable to the unclothed eye. Keep this in mind - I am backside, as well!






P.Z. This is my super surf and sex pumping band playing the music for this clip. We are called Dripping Roses and can be reached at 05-11365-565-4541 (international) for gigs and Compact Discs. Also, we can fly to anywhere for shows, as Ruud, our bassist, has the super nice private jet.