I was notified at about 11am this morning that the Gnarshire's very own Esteban Pumpernickel has been infected with AIDS of the ass, and it has escalated into an acute and rare form of Anal Cancer. Esteban and Ysidro always had a close relationship growing up, and would often steal into the forest at the edge of the Shire at dusk to go 'adventuring' - However, due to recent events it has been made clear that these adventures were actually to conceal his sexuality from the community. Ysidro has already made it public that he not only loves Esteban, but that he will marry him in the fall all the way across Middle-Earth in San Fransisco. Ysidro has even undergone a butt-lift for his partner-to-be in hopes that his new look will be a guiding light for Esteban's recovery.
Hopefully this can serve as a reminder that surfing is a gateway to homosexuality. Tight wetsuits, short shorts, semi-nudity and a close fraternity will eventually lead to some form of man-on-man contact in every surfers career. I just wish I could have prevented this travesty, and should have known that there was something going on when they both sold their entire quivers and purchased matching funboards.
Get well soon,
-The Gnarshire
Surfing transcends homosexuality. Brothers and sisters, it is pan-sexuality. For when we enter the water we become one with the water and everything else in it. And being that the water touches all edges of the shire we are all inadvertently having sex with everyone on this dear planet during those sacred sessions. This begs the question, when you duck dive, or fall and get some of the ocean in your mouth do you swallow or spit?
That's good. Being that I am a human, I normally try not to ingest saltwater. It causes hallucinations and eventually death.
Now that I think about it, I've done worse. Next time I'll try swallowing.